Letters 3

So back with a bump from my sunny, sunny orange grove. I've the post holiday blues. Well actually it's more than that. I meet the Chemo people tomorrow, it's just a meeting but it's the first step of the next marathon (as A. says "it's a marathon you didn't even sign up for though!"). I'm scared, really scared of this next bit. I'm sure I'll be pithy and cheery soon, even about being scared but all I've got at the moment is this two line non-sentence. I'm scared.

I'm counting all the stars in my sky because I have people to help me forget these fears for stretches at a time but A. says he can still see it in my jaw, so I'm not fooling anyone.

Until tomorrow, when I can turn the light on and see that this Chemo Monster is really just a coat in the corner (fingers crossed), I leave you with my Mother's wisdom.

I keep finding her letters at opportune moments, I was meant to be tidying when I found this one - let's not tell A.

I like the bit about making friends, I've heard it can get chatty in the Chemo wing. Presently, I'm not very good at making friends in the C-Club, it reminds me I'm going through cancer (if that isn't the silliest reason) but I think I need to get over myself and learn from their wisdom. I'm very grateful to Miss B, my FB C-club friend, she's a little life line - thank you Miss B! 

For the record 1) Yes I was really that unhappy for a whole month my first term at uni - I am a big scardy cat, I got over the homesickness and then Mum was diagnosed the first time, 2) can we forgive my Mum for thinking that I am awesome, I think that's a Mother's duty and it works better for a pep talk, 3) Sappy as it sounds -parents write to your kids, actual letters, they will find them useful someday, 4) Kids keep those letters, they will come in useful someday.......

Dearest P

Well darling I hope you’ve recovered from the bout of homesickness you had on the phone last night and that your lectures were a bit interesting. 

As I said just take one day at a time, look your best, smile a lot and I’m sure friendship will come your way. Being a lively member of the group (any group) is always attractive - your natural bubbliness and sense of fun will pull you through and your sensitivity to others will keep you interested and interesting…. No situation is ever perfect for long - that’s what keeps us all striving and no bad situation stays that way - that’s what gives us all hope. 

Remember that ‘prayer’ ( I don’t think its a particularly christian one) - “may I have the strength to accept what can’t be changed, the courage to change what can be and the wisdom to know the difference” I don’t know if it’s relevant right now, but it’s a good maxim to know.

Eat well, exercise your body and mind and relax before sleeping. And for goodness sake - go to a counsellor and tell them your fears.

As I said everyone has fears at this stage - it’s a learning stairway - you’re discovering it early in life and you’ll learn to recognise it and accept it and control your terror very soon. Good for you. 

Nothing worth knowing is easily learnt. Nothing worth having is easily acquired - at least, not in adulthood, I’ve found - I sometimes think walking was the only thing I learned easily - the rest is struggle!

M is having a hard time enduring the music of the Whitebear. Dad is busy with lectures and tutorials and I’m like a headless chicken already - no fun here!

Love you very much
Mum 

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