This is why one of the Golden Rules is about being too cocky…. It’s written for Miss Z, who has been a great friend - she is smart and beautiful (she did not pay me to say this).
“Ha, as nice as she was, that nurse doesn’t know what she’s talking about. There’s no way I’m going to need this panic button, those people who’ve used it - did she say 2 in the last week alone? - they must be made of marshmallows compared to me”
“OOO, marshmallows, I love s’mores, OOO we should totally do that in the summer.”
“Yes inner-voice that is a very good plan - wait are we moving?”
“Holey-moley, we are really close to the top of this tube thing, it’s a good thing that we, unlike some, are not claustrophobic.”
“Don’t be too smug now, it isn’t nice.”
“You’re right inner-voice, so wise.”
“Thank you…. Have I told you I think we are rocking Cancer Chic at the moment?”
“Why no, but thank you, I think the Sweaty Betty yoga bottoms are a good way to go, practical and comfy…. It’s a bit cool in here though, imagine, the nurse said we probably wouldn’t need the blanket! Glad we insisted.”
“WHAT ? I CAN”T HEAR YOU, RADIO 2 AT THIS VOLUME REALLY ISN’T PLEASANT, WHY COULDN”T WE HAVE RADIO 4?”
“WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? I CAN’T REALLY HEAR YOU, IF THEY PLAYED RADIO 4 AT THIS VOLUME I’M PRETTY SURE WE COULD STILL HEAR IT, EVEN WITH THESE WEIRD BLEEPS AND GROANS”
(dear reader, please for both ours sakes, imagine that the rest of this monologue / stream of consciousness is all in CAPS because damn, if MRI’s aren’t loud)
“We’ve had one of these before haven’t we? On our deaf ear? I don’t remember it being like this. We fell asleep didn’t we?”
“Now that I’m really thinking about it, I think we were lying on our good ear, thus cushioning us from all this hideous sound”
“And that’s just the music”
“Ha, you’ve still got it, calm under fire, like always”
“Shhhh, I think the nurse is speaking”
“Did she just say that that was just one of the tests?”
Yes, it appears that is what she said”
“But it’s been ages and ages”
“You realise, it’s probably been about 5 minutes?”
“Shut up”
…………..
“OK, don’t shut up, talk to me. I don’t like this noise and the needle in my arm is making me a bit twitchy”
“Yes it is weird that they are going to inject things into us remotely”
“Weird? it’s down right creepy, Like H.A.L”
“You know, you shouldn’t really reference things you haven’t seen, it’s ok when it’s just you and me, but you may get caught out around others”
“Is this not like H.A.L then?”
“How would I know? We haven’t seen it?”
“Good point…............................I think it’s like H.A.L”
“Shall we go back to not speaking? Lets just try and listen to the radio over this din”
……..
“O.K, can we speak, the nurse just said we were getting an injection now and I’m a little scared”
“Let’s think about happy things, remember when we first met A.”
“Of course, he was building a quick-change area the size of a small apartment”
“I think he had on a the striped T-shirt he now wears on the allotment or the weird one about hair”
“It’s a good guess, it was probably one of those, he normally was. Can you remember your first kiss?”
“With A? I can, but as it was rather Gin sodden I’d rather not at the moment. This metallic taste in my mouth is rather unpleasant, like hangover mouth”
“It’s just from the injection, We stood in a bucket of paint didn't we?”
“Yes, but move it along please”
“Shall we think about the lovely view over the ocean at Friday Harbour, walks with Dad, the beach with a cup of tea? That was a really nice time, we are lucky”
“I do not feel very flipping lucky at the moment, I am in a tiny tube, topless, with my tits in a cage, I’m 34 and I have cancer!”
“Woah there missy, calm down, breath”
“I am too hot, the radio is too loud, the noise over the radio is off the scale loud”
“Those are all facts, but it won’t last forever, lets count to ten. One, two, three, four…”
“I don’t want to count to ten, leave me to my misery”
“No, as Meatloaf says, ‘I won’t do that’ ”
“ Have I told you lately…”
“Rod Stewart”
“…That you, are possibly the un-coolest, jackass in the world?”
“You know what? I’ve been trying to be kind to you but there is just no dealing with you when you are being like this”
“Hang on a minute, this is what they want. They want us to turn on each other, this is some torture device…”
“No, I’m pretty sure it’s an MRI”
“It could be used for torture, not that I approve of that kind of thing, but I bet this would be more effective than water boarding, I’d give up Dad, I’d give up A, hell I’d tell them anything they wanted to know.”
“Could you be more dramatic”
“Friends isn’t cool anymore”
“You’ve just quoted Meatloaf and Rod Stewart, and you haven’t seen 2001, A Space Odyssey - at your age - cool is a distant dream, my friend”
“Well, if you can’t handle this, your secret dream to be an FBI or CIA agent is laughable”
“Come to think of it, do you wonder why it’s an FBI or CIA agent? What’s wrong with MI5, like Bond?”
“That’s it I’ve had enough, I want out. I want out. I’m pressing the button”
“NOOOOOO! Remember what the nurse said, if we press the button we will only have to redo it. Just stay calm, it can’t be much longer”
“I’m sorry, I can’t, I’m so hot, I hate the metal tube, lying on my front and my own thoughts. I’m pressing the button”
“SHHHH wait, we’re moving, we’re going out”
“Oh thank fuck for that, that was the longest 45 minutes of my life”
I really enjoyed this :) I have similar conversations with my inner voice
ReplyDelete